I won't lie. I don't really use most of the stuff I build. I put it together, write something witty about it, and then it gets thrown in the box labeled "Sex Projects" and I move on to something else.


Update: At some point, the "Sex Projects" box was reappropriated for bunny food storage. The staff of slashdong did not build the bunny food, in no way finds bunny food to be a sex toy, nor do they have anything witty to write about it. We apologize for the error.

No one really seems to notice or care. We all have a good laugh, I get invited to another conference to act like I know what I'm talking about, and life continues.

But, that's not really a very fulfilling existence, is it? To be famous for something that you don't really care about. The money, the power, the men/women/indeterminate that throw themselves at you. It all becomes a blur after a while, and you realize that you need to remind yourself that, deep down, you're in this for a reason.

I've concentrated on haptics for 4 years now. Vibratey things, thrusty things, whatever, it's all been physical interaction on one level or another. There might be another person controlling it, but it's all pretty rudimentary stuff when you get down to it. Apply physical stimulation to proper portion of body, ????, profit.

This was the wrong approach.

What I needed was something that was more that just buzzythrusty. I needed something that appealed to a portion of my psyche that a quick rush of genital stimulation triggered endorphins just couldn't do.

I needed a lifetime achievement award that was controlled by USB.

Arse Elektronika Lifetime Achievement

This is the Prixxx Arse Lifetime Achievement Award that I won at Arse Elektronika 2008, for excellence in the area of, like, butt plugs, or something.


It's been sitting on the upper level of my desk for a year now, but it's not really been on all that much.


The lighting mechanism is 2 red LEDs with a battery pack. However, as you might notice in the picture, there are no batteries in the battery pack! The black and white wire is going to this:

LED Casserole Board

This is the LED casserole board I built a few years ago, as a test project for using the USBTiny firmware. This board is a single channel power control with USB communication for as many things as a single USB port can power (500mA @ 5V). Before today, it was just controlling the rave spider riding, wiimote weilding ninja.

SpiderNinja 004

All I had to do was add an extra friction lock port, and solder some wires into the battery pack, and presto, I have USB controlled award.

Now, you may be wondering, what does this have to do with teledildonics?

Well, it's all about this button right here:

(Ed Note 2013-05-20: Award button down indefinitely because eh.)

Presses of this button are recorded, along with the IP of the presser, to be played back when I'm sitting at my computer. Every press of the button will translate to a 5 second lighting of the award. When the award is lit, I will look up and realize that I have a lifetime achievement award. This memory will send triggers to the most important part of my brain, my ego.

From this, I will get a raging power boner

While multiple presses of the button are appreciated, please be sincere in your presses and don't go too crazy, so that I will have some hope of having enough bloodflow to actually do whatever it was that I was going to do when sitting at my desk.

Forget the old teledildonics. Join me in this new world of interaction that truly has an impact on the user.

Or, well, join me as long as you have a lifetime achievement award in something. If not, well, obviously you have some work to be doing, don't you?